


I'm Here For You

by sophiewritesthings



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Panic Attacks, Reality, References to Depression, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-12
Updated: 2017-07-12
Packaged: 2018-12-01 10:02:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11484057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sophiewritesthings/pseuds/sophiewritesthings
Summary: Phil sneaks out every day to see his boyfriend, Dan. What happens when Dan is found stuck in the hospital from trying to commit suicide?





	I'm Here For You

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fanfic so sorry if it sucks.

**Saturday, 1:49 AM**

It's been almost eight months since they started dating. They hadn't told anyone though. They had decided to keep their relationship a secret, something only the two of them could enjoy and cherish for however long it lasted, without any of their friends interfering. Or at least that's what they told themselves to avoid the truth behind that decision. They both knew that if they told their parents about them they would get anything but acceptance. 

Even though we live in the modern world where a relationship between two people of the same gender would be acceptable, Dan's parents were still stuck several decades of human evolution behind. They were one of those old-school parents who had their son's entire life planned out since the day he was born. Get good grades, go to a good college, marry a suitable woman, have a kid or two. The chance that he might actually not want to follow that plan was out of the question. But to be fair, Dan never really stood up for himself.

Since they started dating, there were several moments when Phil tried to persuade Dan to talk to his parents. Tell them what  _he_  wants. But those conversations usually ended up in a fight with Dan claiming that he was pressuring him too much and acted like his parents. So they avoided the subject altogether.

Phil was walking down the street towards Dan's house. Since they couldn't hang out much at school or anywhere public in case anyone got suspicious, Phil snuck into Dan's room at night after Dan's parents had gone to bed. They stayed there talking quietly for hours about everything that could possibly cross their minds until they could see sunlight entering the room through the window, which was the cue for Phil to leave. Even though it was the last thing he wanted to do.

He kept walking and in the distance, he could see the house coming into view. Ordinarily, at this time, the house would be quiet with all the lights turned off except the one in Dan's room. But as he could see the house more and more clearly things seemed different. Very different. Pretty much every single light in the house was turned on, and instead of the quiet calm that usually surrounded the house, Phil could hear the sirens of a police car and saw an ambulance driving away. The loud sobs of a woman were also audible.  _What the hell is going on?_ Phil thought. There were people, probably the neighbors, surrounding the front porch. Phil wanted to go ask someone if they knew what happened but since it was almost 2 AM and he wasn't supposed to be here in the first place he reconsidered.  Instead, he moved closer so he could at least hear if someone mentioned what had happened. 

He walked a few steps until he could hear the crowd of people murmuring and hid behind a bush. He was starting to get worried that something really bad had happened and it didn't help that he couldn't see Dan anywhere. Where was he? Did something happen to  _him_?  _No, he's fine. Don't think like that Phil._ He told himself. 

The murmuring continued as did the woman's sobs. Then his ears started picking up what some of the people were saying.

"How terrible."

"Truly horrific, I can't imagine how big the shock must have been for them."

"I'm surprised his mother is still standing. If it were my child I wouldn't be able to even walk."

"But how could he do this? Did he not consider his parents at all? Teenagers. Always so selfish."

"From what I know he was raised in a perfectly healthy and happy environment with lovely parents who want the best for him so I see no reason as to why he would want to kill himself."

At that, Phil felt everything around him go silent and his heartbeat increasing. The conversation kept going but his mind tuned it out completely not wanting to hear more.  _Dan? Suicide?_   He felt his throat tightening and suddenly he found it very difficult to breathe. He had to leave, he couldn't stay here any longer. He got up and immediately started running. To where he didn't know. He just wanted to be as far away from that house as possible and maybe be able to breathe again. 

After running a couple of miles, he stopped, panting. He looked around and he realised he was somewhere a normal person would consider the middle of nowhere surrounded only by a few trees. But for him, this place was more familiar and welcoming than even his own house. This was the place where he and Dan spent the majority of their time together, besides Dan's room. Here is where they would just lay on the ground, look up at the sky and have the most meaningful conversations. They would talk about the future, the universe and why we exist (which Dan loved talking about), Dan's pressuring parents, Phil's fear of being himself, anything. This was pretty much their safety spot which explains why Phil thought of this place when he wanted to leave. 

He sat down on the grassy cool ground, his back against the trunk of a tree and tried to get his thoughts in order. His chest felt heavy and he was still trying to catch his breath, partly from the running but mostly from the thought of Dan committing suicide. 

He knew Dan was depressed and that he had panic disorder. Phil had helped him go through many panic attacks which were usually caused by Dan's parents. He either held his hand and helped him focus on one thing, that thing being Phil's blue eyes, or talked to him soothingly on the phone in case he wasn't with him. There were also times when Dan was feeling extremely tired and didn't want to do anything but lie in bed all day. And at times like these, he didn't try to force him to get up or try to cheer him up by telling him a bunch of bad puns and jokes. He just lied there next to him holding him tightly showing him that even though he knew he could never completely understand what was going through Dan's head, he was there for him. And as time passed, Phil noticed that Dan's panic attacks became less and less frequent and he didn't lie in bed feeling tired for no reason as often as he did before. Also, he smiled more, especially around Phil. He seemed...happier. Dan had admitted it himself. 

All those memories making their way back to Phil's mind made him feel even worse. Then other thoughts, questions would be a better name, also made their appearance.  _Why did he do it? When we talked yesterday he seemed fine. Did I do something? Is it my fault? Should I have noticed something was off? Did he plan it or was it an overnight decision? How did he do it? If he was feeling some sort of way why didn't he talk to me? Is even alive right now?_

Too much. Everything is too much. There were so many questions and they were all unanswered. He didn't know what to do so he hugged his knees to his chest and started crying. His sobs were so loud that if anyone was within hearing distance they would think someone was being tortured. But thankfully he was all alone. His fingernails dug into the palms of his hands until blood was dripping down on the soil. This continued for hours until there were no more tears and the sun was rising. He should get up. His parents will probably wake up soon and when they look into his room and see that he's not there, his mother is definitely gonna freak out. But he didn't have the energy. He felt like a drained battery. He just wanted to lay on the ground and not move for hours.  _Is this how Dan felt all those times he didn't want to get up from bed?_ He wondered. 

That's what he was planning to do but then he thought,  _What if he's alive, in the hospital?_ That thought alone made him get up and start running again.

* * *

 

**Saturday, 7:32 AM**

Dan slowly opened his eyes but instantly regretted it, the bright white light was blinding him.  _Where am I? Am I dead? Did it work?_ He blinked multiple times until his eyes had adjusted to the brightness of the room. He looked around him and he realised he was in a hospital room. He sat up straight and pressed his hands down the mattress to make sure this was real and not some weird last moment on earth illusion. He started fiddling with the bed sheets and saw the bandages around his wrists. No, this was real. He was alive and breathing. Although his parents were probably relieved, he couldn't help but feel disappointed. He had failed. He hadn't cut deep enough or his parents found him too soon. Either way, he wasn't supposed to be here, he was done with this world, done with his parents' constant controlling. He realised, that at some point they were gonna come into the room, see that he's awake and start asking him questions. He wasn't ready for that. What was he going to say? How was he supposed to explain to them why he did what he did? They wouldn't understand no matter what he would say. The fight they had yesterday confirmed that. They would make their own assumptions, barely listening to what he was actually saying, and force him to go to therapy afterwards. They had done it before. 

His breathing started quickening and his hands formed fists which were clutching the sheets. He could feel that he was on a verge of a panic attack. But this time Phil's soothing voice or blue eyes weren't there to comfort him. Suddenly he realised.  _Phil._ What would he think of him for doing this? Would he call him weak? He probably wouldn't even want to see him or speak to him ever again. He knew Phil, a kind considerate person, was too good for him. Dan was just a burden.

Still unable to breathe properly he laid back down on the bed and turned to his right side, his back facing the door. A few tears rolled down his cheek but he didn't bother to wipe them away. Right now, he would give anything to disappear. 

* * *

 

**Friday, 8:14 PM**

Dan and his parents were having dinner and it was quiet as usual. The only time someone would talk was when his mother asked his father how work was today. They would also ask him how school was and every time he would give them the same answer, "Good." Which was obviously a lie. It's rare for him to have a school day which is simply good, without anything bad happening. If a day is good in the slightest it's either because he has English with Phil and they get to talk by writing on a notebook which was almost full by now or he got another chance to be around Phil. On a normal day, there would be name calling, a few shoves while he was walking down the corridor and things like that. He was used to all that by now, being called a freak while he was putting his books in his locker had become some sort of a routine for him. There were also bad days when a teacher would ask him a question to which he didn't know the answer because his mind was elsewhere which would lead to him having a panic attack which would then lead to people making fun of him more than usual. So overall school for him - even though his grades were fine and teachers described him as a bright student with a lot of potential - couldn't be described as good.

They kept eating in silence with only the sound of the cutlery against the plate surrounding them until Dan's mother brought up a topic that was very familiar with Dan. 

"So, I've been looking at some colleges that I think would be a good choice for you. I can show you later if you want." She would show him whether he wanted or not. There was no point in asking him.

Although, whenever they had this kind of conversation all he wanted to do was tell them that he didn't want to go to college, he knew that would be a bad idea so he simply answered, "Sure." 

After a few more minutes of silence, his mother spoke again, "I think you should get out more. You never leave that room of yours unless it's something school related. If you go outside maybe you'll meet some new people or maybe some girls." Dan was starting to get annoyed. He could deal with conversations about his future, he was used to those, but when they started talking about him needing to get out more and meet new people then he would prefer the silence.

"Your mother's right," his father said while still chewing on his bite of meatloaf. "I'm surprised you don't have a girlfriend yet. You're a nice young man."

If only he knew he already was in a relationship. Had been in one for the past eight months, just not with a girl. "I'm just not interested dad."

"You say that now but you'll change your mind. Eventually, you're gonna meet a nice girl, get married and have a family, you'll see." Dan sighed in frustration. Why couldn't he just drop it?

"Maybe I don't want to follow your plan, have you ever thought of that?" 

"Honey you're too young to know what you want," his mother said.  _But if I did want a family I wouldn't be too young, would I?_

He was starting to get angry. His grip tightened around his fork and he clenched his teeth trying to remain calm. He should just keep eating and act as if nobody ever spoke but his anger didn't make him think clearly. "That's how it is about everything, huh? I don't like it now but I will in the future. I don't want to study Law now but I will in the future. I don't want a family now but I will in the future. I don't like girls now but I will in the future." He didn't realise what he had said until it was too late. He didn't know what to do so he stared at his parents' confused faces waiting for a reaction.

"Dan, what do you mean?" his mother asked.

At this point, his rage prevented him from caring. He had already said this much so he might as well keep going. "The way you want me to feel about girls...that's how I feel about boys." He saw his father's face turn from confused to shocked to angry.

"So you're a faggot?" He flinched at the word. He never liked it, especially when it was used as an insult.  

"Honey, maybe you're just confused." Out of all the things she could have said she chose the sentence that infuriated Dan even more. 

"See? That's what I mean! You're not even listening to me." He realised that his voice had raised a bit and that he had stood up from his chair.

"No, my son can't be a faggot!" his father said, also standing up.

His blood was boiling and for the first time in his life, he wasn't thinking. Things were coming out of his mouth without his control. "Well guess what dad, he is. And he also has a boyfriend. He's not, and never was, this perfect son you thought of." 

Nobody said anything for a few seconds and then his mom, who still remained calm unlike his father, said, "Dan, maybe because you've never been with a girl is why you think this way."

"Seriously mom? Even if I had been with a girl and liked it I would still be into dudes. But why am I talking? You're not listening. You don't care about what I say, you only care about controlling my life!" Now he was definitely screaming and he was sure the neighbors could hear him but he couldn't care less at this point.

"Don't you dare talk to your mother like that!" His father said, also yelling. "I want you out of my house." Dan's eyes widened with shock, as did his mother's. She clearly didn't expect that either. "You can stay here for the night but tomorrow morning I want you gone. I won't have a faggot in my own home." With that, his father turned around and left the dining room. 

Dan was still trying to grasp in his mind what had just happened. He didn't know what he expected but he definitely didn't think he would be kicked out. He glanced at his mother who was staring down at her plate, which still had food in it, speechless. He waited for a few seconds for her to say something but with silence as her only answer he turned around and headed towards his room. But only after he closed the door behind him did the events of what had actually just occurred dawn on him. He had come out to his parents and instead of approval, he got his mother telling him he was confused and his father calling him a faggot and telling him to be gone in the morning. He shouldn't have said all those things. He shouldn't have talked at all. If he had kept his stupid mouth shut none of this would have happened.  _What have I done?_ Where was he supposed to go now? He can't go to Phil's house, this is not his problem to carry. 

Millions of thoughts kept rushing through his head. Thoughts that he should've considered before he opened his mouth and blurted out everything.  _What if people at school found out? They already treat me like shit so what will happen if they find out that I'm also gay? Will no one else, now and in the future, accept me? Why would they? I don't deserve acceptance._ It was hard to breathe.  _What will happen when Phil finds out? He'll think I'm a loser for not standing up for myself more._ He sat down on the floor, his back against the door.  _Why is my life so messed up? Why am_ I _so messed up? Am I overreacting? If I am then why can I not breathe properly like a normal person? Maybe because I'm not a normal person. Everything's too much. I'll never be good enough for anyone. I'm just a basket case. Everyone will be better off without me._

This continued for hours until he couldn't stand the chaos in his head any longer. He glanced at the clock on his bedside table. It was past midnight, his parents probably asleep. Nobody would hear him. He had made his decision. He was too exhausted of this life to continue any longer. 

* * *

 

**Saturday, 11:07**

Phil was waiting in the hospital's waiting room with a cup of coffee, his fourth one today, in his hand. He had been here for three hours and they still wouldn't let him see Dan. He understood that Dan was probably not in the mood for talking after what happened and his parents would probably want to see him first. But he had only seen his mother, who managed to stop crying, not his father. Phil had called his own parents to tell them that a friend of his was in a car accident so he had to leave. Thankfully, they believed him. 

He saw Dan's mother pacing up and down the room looking distressed. He thought that he should probably go up to her and tell her that he's Dan's friend so maybe he could finally go see him. 

He got up, still holding his coffee, and walked towards her. "Hello, um, are you Mrs. Howell? Dan's mom? I'm Phil, his friend from school."

"Oh, hello. Dan never mentioned you, but then again I never asked him." She looked sad. Why wouldn't she, her son almost died. But besides sorrow, her face was also filled with regret. As if she wished she had done things differently.

"I'm really sorry about what happened. Have you seen him yet? Do you think I can?" he asked. 

"Yes, I talked to him. Didn't go very well. But maybe talking to you, since you're his friend, will make him feel better." she answered. "Come on, I'll show you where his room is."

* * *

 

**Saturday, 11:13**

Dan was desperate for a few hours of sleep. But every time he closed his eyes his brain would remind him of the conversation he had with his mother when she came to see him. It's easy to say that it wasn't pleasant, but at least his father wasn't there to make things worse. So he just stared at the ceiling doing nothing. 

Then he heard the sound of the door opening and his head shot towards it. It was probably his mother again wanting to ask more questions. He was right, it was his mother but she wasn't alone. He could see the familiar tall figure of a guy with straight black hair. Phil. His eyes widened with surprise and he sat up straight on his bed. His mother said something he tuned out before she left which meant him and Phil were alone. Dan couldn't look him in the eye he was too ashamed, although Phil didn't move his gaze from him. 

"Hi," Phil said. Dan didn't answer and stared down his hands, fiddling with the bed sheets. "Can I sit?" he asked.

Dan nodded, "Okay."

Phil sat down on the chair next to the bed which was previously occupied by his mother. Phil kept staring at him but Dan kept avoiding eye contact. 

"Can you at least talk to me?" 

"What do you want me to say?" What  _was_  he supposed to say? He was clueless

"I don't know, something." 

He didn't answer. 

"Dan, why did you do it?" His eyes were burning but he didn't want to cry in front of Phil so he kept fiddling with the bed sheets. "Did something happen with your parents? I didn't see your dad here," Why would he be here? He stated it perfectly yesterday that he didn't want to have anything to do with him anymore. "Did I do something?"

At that, Dan finally looked at Phil, who surprisingly didn't look angry or disappointed at him. "Of course not! Why would you think that? You did nothing wrong. I'm surprised you even want to see me right now."

"What are you talking about? Why wouldn't I want to see you?"

"Don't you think I'm weak for doing  _this_?" He said, motioning to his bandaged wrists.

"I never thought you were weak, on the contrary, you're one of the strongest people I know," he said with his usual soothing voice. "But would you mind explaining to me what exactly happened so I can understand?" 

And Dan told him. About the fight with his parents, about him coming out to them, about his father kicking him out of the house and his mother not saying anything. About everything that had occurred the previous day. Some tears rolled down Dan's cheek but Phil wiped them away with his thumb. And at some point, while he was talking, Phil interlocked his hand with Dan's and squeezed it gently, forcing him to stop fiddling with the sheets. 

When he was done, Dan felt a weight lifting from his shoulders. He had said everything and Phil didn't interrupt him once, he just listened and didn't judge him. 

"You should've come to me. I've told you before that if something happens I will always be there."

"But it wasn't your problem."

"Hey," Phil gently grabbed Dan's chin making him look at him in the eye. "If it's your problem, it's my problem too, got it?" Dan nodded, his hand still in Phil's grip.

Dan couldn't hold back any longer. He started crying. "I'm sorry." Tears were now flowing down his face without control. He then felt Phil letting go of his hand, sitting on the bed next to him and putting his arms around him, holding him tightly. Dan was clutching onto Phil's shirt and the tears kept coming.

Phil moved his hand up and down Dan's back, comforting him. "It's okay. You're okay now. Things are gonna be fine. Even if they don't seem like it now, they will be I promise. I'm here for you and I won't be going anywhere."

Phil's words made Dan cry even harder. He definitely didn't deserve him. But if Phil wanted to leave he would have done it. Maybe he will in the future but for now, all he cares about is being here with Phil, his arms around him telling him things are gonna be fine.

And for the first time in a while, Dan had hope.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! You can also follow me on tumblr @sophieattemptslife


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